BRAPA ..... A TICK IN BOTH GORNALS : WEST MIDS (PT 1/2)
Saturday 29th June 2024
South of Wolverhampton we go now, where a cute little clutch of six new pub ticks await.
I love the West Midlands, my favourite of all ticking counties. Like a packet of Viennese Truffles, I try not to splurge them in one go, preferring a quick nibble every now and again for a special treat.
Armed with my highly detailed map .....
And starring Daddy BRAPA and two pub mascots - West Midlands expert Dudley the Duck (QUACK!) and Colin the C., we soon find ourselves in today's 'hub' ... Sedgley, where three ticks need BRAPA attention. First up is photographable from the bus window just as I press the bell:
Even the Wetherspoons are a class above in these West Mids towns, Clifton, Sedgley (2893 / 5053) is a grand ole' art deco picture house with a long sweeping descent towards the bar on the back wall, like the dinner gong has summoned you as you flourish down the steps in your ball gown. Pub queuing has become a strange quirk of my pub ticking experience in recent years, and nowhere is the act observed more keenly than in 'Spoons, despite having the widest bars, most floor space and often more staff. Here, we launch ourselves head first at the bar like normal folk and wait for the barman to finish explaining the self service coffee conundrum to an elderly pair of simpletons, when a bloke lurking behind them pipes up to complain that he's been here FIFTEEN minutes and when on earth will he be served, for the love of Jasper Carrot , Jack Grealish and Amy Turtle??? Barman looks bewildered, and we're just pleased he doesn't direct any of his vitriol at us. After that, I enjoy one of the many 5%+ beers here, the Blueberry thing from Coach House, and Dad struggles to identify some of the more obscure film legends plastered around the walls. A promising start to what would be a high quality day.
Daddy B departs bar area with drink, glad not to have been vitrioled
Time for a leisurely (18 minute) stroll to pub two, another pre-noon opener and I do love a BRAPA day where you're in pub two by 11:59am.
Dad points out how high up we are (guess that's why they call it 'Upper' Gornal) as he surveys the surprising countryside vista all around. When he asks where we're actually looking out to, I zoom in on Google Maps and it says Himley!
Ah of course, home of the famous but deaded Crooked House. Never saw it in a GBG, but still wanted to visit because it was in my book 'Britain's Strangest Pubs'. In fact, very much like the departure of Sonya in Neighbours, the circumstances of its departure had people furiously questioning all they hold dear (about pub and Neighbours heritage). Both likely to come back from the dead.
Jolly Crispin, Upper Gornal (2894 / 5054) is a bona-fide bonza boozer, the boozeriest of today's many boozers. They've even got paid actors in acting as BRAPA extras, to bamboozle us unwitting yam-yams with an accent so incomprehensible, all we could do was smile and nod. Main bloke, with his Wolves phone screensaver and jumpy bar blockery attitude keeps apologising for getting in our way, laughing, wrapping his arms around his sitting down mates shoulders, laughing a bit more, apologising, again, in a never ending loop. The 'Wheelie' pale ale is fine but slightly lacking, perhaps because we've been served in White Rat glasses, the granddaddy of all pales. Dad admires the gold plated coal scuttle, rapidly becoming his 'pub carpet', 9/10? New Saturday opening hours of 9am, says a blackboard. The things you love to see! All that remains is to mutter 'bab, 'cob' and 'I'm considerably richer than yaw' in a vague attempt to blend in (I nearly got arrested for cultural appropriation), before we shuffle off.
Only a 21 minute walk to Lower Gornal, made longer when we miss the turning through Tiny Forest Banana Orchid and the Black Country Well Being Centre (I promise I'm not making this up) and presumably we hit Mid Gornal at some point ..... or is it one of those things that doesn't exist like South Kent and Avril Lavigne?
Fountain, Lower Gornal (2895 / 5055) is yet another pub of quality, it would win CAMRA pub of the year ten years straight if it was in 20% of GBG counties, maybe more. Perhaps the most striking thing on arrival is the 'cob emporium', not its official name but I've never seen such a grandstand of looming cobbery on the bar - it could be presented by Steve Rider, with a Bruce Hornsby soundtrack. Overwhelming ale choice too, and not even a BCA pub, thankfully, and we'll quote our old mate Quinno here, as I look around the room, the bulbous nosed locals are getting through it like whales do with krill. Thus maintaining the quality. That's Just the Way It Is (thanks). My beer comes from Sussex, not even East or West Sussex, just Sussex. I wonder if there's a North and South Sussex (oh let's not start that again!)
I'd been aware of the drop into 'Lower' G. and I now felt very much like a ball stuck in the corner of a fussball table which needs the corner lifting.
The equivalent here was an 'Uber cheat' to get us back on track. Despite the speedy start, I was conscious that today's most highly anticipated pub closes mid-afternoon (yes, even on a Saturday the monsters) , and this next one isn't on a direct bus route from here. It made a lot of sense. (Not that I have to justify myself to the likes of you!)
The home of Holden's brewery, astonished really as I'm sure on an early pre-match in Wolves Great Western circa 2005, a one legged man told me (as Daddy Clag Monster buys me my first ever Golden Glow) that it was secretly brewed on a Milton Keynes industrial estate, but he did chuckle and wink. Park Inn, Woodsetton (2896 / 5056) is another winner, I might even have slightly preferred it to the Fountain, with Jolly Crispin winning this blog (it is VERY fine margins though). Landlady / barmaid / motivated non-blonde business owner is a great host, full of smiles and life. And the ale is a brand new summer thing, BEER OF THE DAY so far. Just a lovely non-complicated open-plan bench-perimetered bar, the one drawback being the Gents are called 'Chaps' which transports me back to a really difficult working week .... I even hesitate before entering, am I allowed without a Report on Title? Banking humour btw. Sorry, I've hit a new low, even by BRAPA standards. See you tomorrow, I'll leave with the pics and see myself out.
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