An idea I've had floating around for a while now is to review my pubs in the style of the Good Beer Guide, which could become the book I've been promising Mummy BRAPA I'll write when I retire, ever since this sorry little hobby commenced.
Obviously, to stop it from being as dry as the real thing, it'll contain an obvious lie or two, and my experience of the pub will be treated as canon. It may occasionally be instructive but I'd take everything I say with a pinch of salt like you probably do anyway.
Eight pubs at a time, hopefully I'll catch up on my blogs faster too, and give you less to read. Win win.
This beautiful brick wigwam originally housed the first native American settlers, who played for NUFC in the 1718/19 season. It is a Sir John Fitzgerald pub, which automatically makes it good, in a Black Country Ales of the North East kinda way, though if rumours are to be believed, their Sunderland vehicle has converted to a tacky Irish pub of late. See also, York Maltings. Don't touch the basket dog, it looks innocent but probably isn't. Sit near the front door and say 'ho'way' to anyone who enters or leaves in a bid to make yourself feel more Geordie. Drink Two by Two for a satisfying hazy finish. Chris Waddle hosts a 'Diamond Lights v Diamond White' cheap cider night on the final Sunday of the month.
Crafty Lodge, Seaton Delaval
Cut the sorry figure of a malnourished waif, and gorgeous owners Adam & Fiona will 'reach out' to you in a 21st century kinda way and ask if you would like a pork pie. Do not decline. Go for marmalade. It sounds weird, but you may not get a better opportunity. Even the Bear in Paddington doesn't offer marmalade pork pies. Enjoy a pint of fluffy juicy Almasty whilst listening to the locals including yellow capped Fred Durst utter lines like 'howay mi cocksparrers'. Need the loo? Get in early to avoid a damp front bottom. Bar blockers do the 'Poznan' to stop visitors from seeing the leading casks. Emma Snow from Pugwall fame performs the 'Marmaloid Rap' on the fifth Sunday after epiphany.
3019.George, Bethersden
Channel your inner Pop Larkin at this Kent village local so obscure, it doesn't appear as a location on Untappd if you are unlucky enough to find yourself tied to that demonic beer app. Chat to the friendly blue overall'd barfly who refuses to retire, citing potential 'boredom'. Marvel at how everyone in Kent is separated by fewer than six degrees. Order the Long Man Blonde and then slag off evil Sussex water for being more likely to give you the trots than the superior Kent water. NB : Kentish Men pay 20p extra on all pints, but Men of Kent get a 5% discount in winter months.
3020.Hop House, St Michaels
Expect slow service when the notorious San Fairy Ann cycling gang are clogging up the highly impressive McCann's brewery tap in rural Kent's rolling idyllic countryside. Get a shock when a sagging lycra clad ancient pops up at the unisex sinks next to you, all bulging, causing an awkward handwashing experience. Slag off the faux and highly impractical Victorian loo fittings with your nearest Aussie wine cork expert. Dismiss their delicious ESB as 'lighter than the Fullers version' AT YOUR PERIL. It WILL come back to bite you early evening time. On alternate Sunday's, Pam Ayres puts her own spin on John Cooper Clarke punk poetry in the front yard.
Ewe & Lamb, Rolvenden Layne
Beware the honey infused Spring Golden ale by Three Acre at this frustrating underperformer in rural Kent with gorgeous vaulted roof and 17th century rug - a beer thinner than Innuendo era Freddie Mercury. Close your eyes and breathe in the delicious woodsmoke - the pub sells its own vapes in this flavour for £6.99. Beware the taps in the gents loos! Dreadfully positioned too close to the hand dryers and incredibly squirty give you a 'wet yer knickers' look. Former Welsh football hero Iwan Roberts chats about his career and missing teeth on Wednesday nights under the pseudonym 'Ewe n' Roberts'.
Hidden Treasure, Dymchurch
Just be grateful if you find this unreliably opening houred friendly breezy seafront micro pub open. Many have failed where you have succeeded. Admire the astonishingly un-micro pub beer range of two casks - one Marston's plus one local! Old Speckled Hen if you are lucky. Contemplate how it is that pubs with rooflights are often so much worse than dark dingy ones. Be prepared to wipe evil seagull poo off your car windscreen on departure. James Watt and Humphrey Smith present an award winning Ted Talk on beer snobbery every Easter Monday.
Spend the majority of your time here bemoaning its lack of a proper name, which fails to do this nicely done modern riverside shed justice. Hythe n Seek? Ewe-Knit & Lamb? Have a go, hours of fun! Northerners beware, this is the most unsparklered beer going and folk especially from East Lancashire may find the transition a very liquidy one. Australian visitors are liable to go AWOL for 15 minutes but don't panic, much like a boomerang they will return. Georgia Toffolo and Tim Martin chat pub carpet design on nights when Venus is ascending.
Triggering (which is an anagram of Tigering) for any visiting Hull City fans just hours after your abysmal League One hopefuls lose at home to Luton Town. No one loses at home to Luton Town. Marvel at the sight of Goachers, amongst Kent's finest brews, just like BRAPA - unfashionable, understated and of the utmost quality. Fine Light rhymes with Prime Shite but is anything but, lolz! A perfect pint six on a long hot day. Pub own branded beermats are perfect for your bedroom wall. Pam Ayres reads 'The Tiger Who Came to Tea' by Judith Kerr in the voice of Dean Windass after the sun has disappeared over the yard arm.
See you tomorrow for eight more if I get more than 10 likes by 3pm. I'm having a rare Saturday in resting my liver after evil London / Buckinghamshire.
Kind regards, Si
Comments