Part 1 seemed to go off okay, so I'm back with six more of the same ..... in the GBG style.
My only concern now is whether I'll have to rewrite every pub I've ever visited in this fashion, which would be approx 5,500 pubs so let's not worry about that one for now!
Upminster Tap Room, Upminster
Long legs are compulsory at this exclusively high seated micropub of overly black colour scheme. The expectation is to use the empty beer kegs under the tables, but being Robert Wadlow is the only way to guarantee absolute comfort. 5' 7" pub tickers will dangle. A shimmering barman with pearly whites will offer a warm welcome, but be prepared to have your cask stout choice questioned on a warm sunny day! Meet pub dog Coda, three years old now but still a young pup by heart. Sunday's live palm reading comes from Peter Crouch.
Hop off at Wanstead Park, shin it down the road and expect a cheerful verging on sycophantic greeting from the army of well meaning young women behind the bar. Reply with a "Hiiii honeys" for automatic disapproval / banishment. The pub combines stylish 1930's with irritating 2019. Dithering diners should be elbowed out of your path in your quest for a superb pint of Northern Monk. Listen to a posh old bloke express surprise that nice beer could come from L**ds whilst admiring the vibrant red green walls and windows. Deborah still hasn't arrived for her 13:30 booked table, but it never suited her. Pam Ayres sings the hits of Pulp on alternate weekdays.
Stag & Lantern, Highams Park
Witness the locals, devoid of sun during the cruel winter months, convincing themselves that it is now 'outdoor pub weather' despite the chill breeze and 14 degree temperature. You will be the one warm and snuggly in splendid isolation indoors. Approach the guv'nor with a positivity matching his own (indoor) sunny demeanour. Snarl at the so called Pale Ale from Wylde Sky, home to the world's most abysmal zoo in Linton, Cambs. It is bitter. Like the wind. Mansfield Town fans enjoy 20% off on all keg products during Monday rush hour.
Get swept up in this glorious tidal wave of joy and youthful vibrancy, all that is London in the 21st century. Experience the smell of brick walls, burnt pizza and bouncing babies. Chat to pleasant staff and sample beers from Two by Two and Almasty - the pub is owned by folk from Newcastle in a random truthful fact. Dec and Ant (sitting on the wrong side of each other) re-inact the infamous paintballing scene from Byker Grove every 2nd Feb. Mackems are charged up to 50% extra on Guinness and pork scratchings most weekdays. Winner of the 'BRAPA : luckiest Spring 2025 pub'.
Climb the big hill from Crouch End and arrive a sweaty mess at this solid local which does a passable impression of a leafy Old Arcade in central Cardiff - push the wood panelling with caution, a secret wall might make you disappear. Expect to find the London Pride drinking well and your mascot being waved at from afar by quirky anxious staff. Listen to American tourists with tiny dogs let their expensive fish 'n chips go cold because they are busy moaning about chlorinated chicken. Big Daddy and Giant Haystacks appear when the moon is waxing to offer their thoughts on Vault City sours.
3030.Crown, Highgate
Northerners may feel a sense of trepidation when entering this posho hole. A stunning 2.6% hazy small beer may not be enough, go bigger if it helps! Wear light flannels, pale greens and off-white pashminas to blend in. Carry a large book about fine art or butterflies under your arm. Ability to play a musical instrument is a must, string or piano preferably to grade 7 standard. Brass band members are branded oiks. If Giles and his daughters start a game of Trivial Pursuit behind you, don't join in, you'll only embarrass yourself. Brian Sewell and Demi Moore host a pottery class every second Boxing Day - book in advance to avoid being haunted by Patrick Swayze.
See you on Tuesday for a few more. Don't have nightmares etc. etc.
Si
Bình luận