Good evening, I'm back from the ole' giraffes (cockney rhyming slang for Staffs) to tell you what the Good Beer Guide should really be telling you about NINE more London pubs.
Rising Sun, Lower Edmonton (7.4.25)
Expect to be greeted by a happy Henry Hoover if you enter this estatey-arse-end-of-nowhere pub on a Monday morning, perhaps the best time to experience it. Step over the lead gingerly and doff your cap in reverence to the toothless cleaning lady. Turn left for a quiet pint of Aylesbury Coffin Stout in a lounge room clad with shiny mirrors, turn right to join in the effin' and jeffin' wheezy cackling rumbustious locals ..... if you dare! Pam Ayres reads excerpts from the 'lost' 1973 Good Beer Guide in her own inimitable style on Sunday lunchtimes.
Jolly Butchers, Enfield (7.4.25)
Don't let the handsome façade fool you, this is an uninspiring sports/music pub which serves three different flavours of the same McMullen's dark brown mush. Perch perilously at one of the many seats of posing height, suggest a new carpet might give the place much needed zhush, in fact it is the hidden wallpaper which is more plush. Beware of the dog with the face of Jennifer Rush. Almost certainly at its best when live music is on. Louise Wener off of Sleeper appears on occasion to discuss the effect she had on young adolescents circa 1996.
Lord Nelson, High Barnet (7.4.25)
Trip over the curb outside and get laughed at by a bored old lady in a parked white Ford Montego. Fear not, this is a jewel in the Barnet crown. Try and put your finger on the strange, but not unpleasant smell. Expect to be called 'sweetie' by the landlady, but best swerve the 'Old Spooky Hen' as it might've been on since Hallowe'en. Admire the collections - model ships, miniatures and the like, as a funny magician tries to impress a barmaid with card tricks. Debbie McGee hosts her award winning beer podcast live from this pub on the last Wednesday of the month, controversially campaigning for Draught Bass to be discontinued - the triangle looks too much like an upside down red Wizbit.
10% sexy cauliflower boudoir, 90% insipid airbrushed London dross - a pint of Young's Special supped within earshot of the Bow bells offers you the opportunity to become a 25% naturalised cockney. Poser clones will sit outdoors on sunny weekday afternoons. Donald Fisher off of Home & Away (real name, Norman Coburn) sings 'Roll out the Barrel', 'Rabbit' and 'Leaning on a Lampost' every Epiphany, with Chas Hodges on piano and Roger Protz on tambourine.
Olde Black Bull, Stratford (7.4.25)
Stuck in pub purgatory halfway up the pathway between classic East London and modern toss, expect a tepid welcome on this main road city bustler, best visited at rush hour. Sit on the 8/10 carpetted side for maximum pubness. Admire the remaining sliver of a snob screen and a youthful Bobby Moore print. The St Austell Tribute outperforms its xG (xtreme gulpability) at 3.766% 'Claymation Sensation' nights every Tuesday sees fixtures including Morph versus Pingu.
Moon Under Water, Colindale (8.4.25)
The perfect example of top tier 'Spoonsing in North London, the originator and Grandaddio of the chain. Staff provide meticulous attention to detail over a vaguely cloudy pint. Arrive early to witness the multicultural Breakfast Crew .... in particular, look out for the lady who applies pepper and English mustard liberally, then sucks the whole thing down in five mins flat, whilst conducting a phonecall with her husband, her father sat opposite watching on in awe. People called Colin drink for free 3am-5am Monday happy hour. But don't forget to bring proof in the form of a utility bill.
Monkey Puzzle, Paddington (8.4.25)
Immaculate Badger pub in posho W2 where the deferential host wears waistcoat and possibly even a tie and underpants with badger emblems. The Tanglefoot is as polished as every gleaming surface, and yet it still has room for a gaggle of grumpy bar blockers - note the mobility scooter out front. To be ultra critical, you may suggest the shrub in front of the eponymous tree is trimmed back, or lament the lack of Golden Glory in cask form. TB inoculations are available on Thursday evenings in the rear (lounge). Free Wind in the Willows badger sticker if you are brave and don't cry.
3044. Bear, Paddington (8.4.25)
Unusual peppermint and cream brick NHS clinic / cat cafe (minus the cats) style Craft house. Count the number of keg taps (30!) plus approx six additional casks though all anyone really wants is Guinness or cider. Every chance your beer may therefore deteriorate early second half like it's had a Ruben Selles half time team talk. Cringe as your fellow drinker misreads a Hazy IPA called 'Juicy Chug' as 'Juicy Jug', in front of two unimpressed young women behind the bar. Great pork pie coverage, though lack of a marmalade one a la Seaton Deleval Crafty Lodge is a mis-step here. Peruvian delegates such as Nolberto Solano visit every Easter Sunday.
Perseverance, Bloomsbury (9.4.25)
Handy for Great Ormond Street if you overdo it or catch Rubella from the infestation of twentysomethings spewing out of every orifice or office. This febrile pub is peak London best experienced late weekday afternoon when everyone walks around with laptops pretending they've just finished work. Laugh theatrically as the camp barman declares that he was trying to photobomb your photo - but seriously, imagine trying to photobomb BRAPA and missing? Squash your elbows in at a tight knit bench, own the place, and drink the Japanese themed Portobello, focussing on the cartoon leek on the pizza menu for solace. The Vapors reform twice nightly to ask whether it is better to turn Japanese or Guildfordian.
That's your lot. Back tomorrow or Fri to ensure a few Bucks are given.
Take care, Si
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