Good evening, weekend finally! I sometimes think these four day weeks after a Bank Holiday feel longer than a normal one.
Anyway, ten Buckinghamshire pubs were suffered earlier this month. But when I say 'suffered', some of them were actually enjoyed. Let's get into them .....
Oak, Aston Clinton (9.4.25)
The thatched, beamed 16th century splendour of this fine Fullers House cannot mask a 21st century smug saccharine aloofness, even if the Pride is drinking particularly well. Woe betide you smile at a fellow customer. And don't try to garner sympathy about an unexpected 'shut pub' in nearby Tring, or you'll be met with an irritating response like 'maybe they are just having a day off ... or a cleaning day, lolz'. Bring your own beermat, you'll need it. Beware - that the Judderman from the 90's Metz advert appears every full moon.
White Hart, Aylesbury (9.4.25)
Don't be fooled by the exciting range of local ales, this is a grim modern 'Spoons with too much beer on, one of the harshest chunkiest chilliest bar counters you've ever seen, and an 'arrowed' carpet which can only be a throwback piss take to 2020/21 when arrows on the floor told you which way to walk. Everyone drinks lager and looks like they want life to end. Welcome is Aylesbury. The White Hart in the centre of the room is called Wayne, and every Wednesday at 3pm, he packs a bag and teleports himself through the hole in the sealing for the temporary bliss of a quick exit with his hi-vis man friend.
Green Man, Prestwood (9.4.25)
Take a walk through bumpy woods and across a crispy field from Gt Missenden to this morale boosting sleepy Chilterns champion. Meet the floppy eared Mario (dog, not Italian plumber) and listen to a perky barmaid regale the pub with her tales of curry eating whilst sloshed on beer. Sit behind the throwing arm of the darts player, as he gets angrier by his self-proclaimed consistent throwing action being just too consistent. Don't expect the IPA to resemble IPA in the slightest. An audience with Co Stompe every Boxing Day is a highlight - 180% off Amstel, please book in advance.
George Ale House, Great Missenden (9.4.25)
Transport yourself back to Tudor / Elizabethan England in a way that only a CJ Sansom novel can normally achieve. The smells, sights, the icy air temperature, even the pot in which you'll piss. Not to mention the kindly barkeep with winsome smile and hairy long ears. It makes Canterbury's Thomas Tallis and Maidstone's Olde Thirsty Pig look like pretenders to the throne of this niche pub genre. Okay, so you know where Left Handed Giant are based? That don't impress me much. The ghost of Matthew Shardlake raises awareness of spinal deformities on nights when Venus is in the eighth house of Aquarius.
Make sure you concentrate, and don't hop off the train at Denham Golf Club instead of Denham proper, or you too will add unnecessary pain and pressure to your morning pub visit in this pretty village, complete with ducking stream to drown local vegan witches. Encourage the lovely chatty hostess to focus on her task in hand - i.e. pulling the beer through before serving it rather than chatting about the weather, or you are liable to end up with dross - N.B. no handy plant pots are available at ground floor level. Listen to Smooth Radio and bump into randy wobbly old coffee ladies on the carpetted staircase to the loos.
Royal Standard of England, Forty Green (10.4.25)
Wend your way down the country lanes and up through wavy woodland on the outskirts of Beaconsfield to arrive at the self-proclaimed oldest pub ever. It plays the part gloriously theatrically, as a jocular chap in a funny hat and yokel garb greets you (almost warmly) to serve you a pint of dubious quality Chiltern Pale in one of the handsomest tankards you'll ever see. Fires burn and crackle even on a sunny day in the never ending series of rooms. As Tony Blair once said "this is no time for soundbites, but I can feel the hands of history on my shoulders". A MUST visit. David Lammy MP hosts a popular Welsh beer podcast on the last Sunday of the month, asking the difficult questions like 'Tiny Rebel or Brains?'
Prince Albert, Frieth (10/4/25)
A gentle yomp from the bus stop at the village of Lane End, far enough outside High Wycombe to be acceptable, this unlikely rural underdog survivor may well spark irrational feelings of love and defensiveness, like "if I ever learn this pub ceases to exist, I'm packing in pub ticking". A one beer pub branded two different ways, the Gravity/Bitter drinks ok, which in Bucks terms means an NBSS rating of 4. Meet the amiable pub dog but keep a close eye on your pub mascot, he's already destroyed his fluffy meerkat! The most "of course the loos are outside!" pub in England. Genital piercings after dark include 20% off your pint of Wadworth, but apply carefully.
Rose & Crown, High Wycombe
High Wycombe. What's it good for? The answer was 'nuffink' until this surprise winner emerged from the shadows (of which Wycombe has many) like a female vampire. Delightful barmaidery, spirited too, and she needs to be in a lager drinking sniggering sausage fest of an atmosphere. Beer anecdotes are encouraged - even those of a Yorkshire bent, and it doesn't get much benter than Yorkshire. The pub also features a sentient jukebox which takes photos of the punters, and a mascot graveyard. Keep your caulifower under wraps! Alan Bennett reimagines his work in pub heritage style including smash hit 'a cream cracker under the (15th century) settle'.
Two Brewers, Marlow (10/4/25)
Situated deep in the town which won 'BRAPA's most insufferable : 2017' , this promising calming wood affair suffered a gutting fire a few years back, which perhaps explains why it lacks the encompassing historic personality of the comparable George at Great Missenden. Having said that, a worthy effort and the Rebellion Tempest is as well kept a Bucks beer as you will find. And at £6.10, 90p cheaper than London's Parcel Yard ... a bargain! Don't start to love Marlow too much though, as you too may overhear exchanges such as "I must confess I've never been to Manchester, Newcastle or L**ds". "Ho ho, you really aren't missing much dear boy!" Keith Flint (not Flett) performs an ill judged folk version of 'Firestarter' every 5th November.
KEG - Craft Beer Tasting Bar, Bourne End
This unprepossessing beer hole offers a healthy dose of humanity, rare in South Bucks. The cask is outnumbered by the Keg 9-1, but the owners initials are K.E.G. so it stands to reason. Have hours of fun working out what your name might be if your initials were C.A.S.K. Cower in the corner as a toothless drunk lady starts on the pub, she must have been shipped in from a roughhouse place like Cookham. If the fantasy role-playing gaming couple want to flick the light switch, or anything else, let them. Opens 6am on 31st April when Charlie State and Naga Munchetty present BBC Breakfast live from the pub.
Join me Sunday or Monday when I tell you about six Staffordshire pubs, and then Tuesday for an early month end review because guess what, I'm going away again!
Cheers for reading, cross your fingers for Hull City tomorrow, Si
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