One of the first things I tell people on my travels when they show a vague interest in BRAPA is "...it is more about the pub really, the beer is only secondary". So much so, that if he's with me, Daddy BRAPA always chuckles and says "I think he protests too much!"
And he's right. For all the 15th century heritage settles, wood fires and snob screens, it is impossible to enjoy a pub if you're holding a pint that puts the dross in Ardrossan, the grim in Grimsby, and errrm, doesn't set the tone in Penistone.
After my Kingdom of Fife debut a year ago, I didn't believe I'd have a worse beer experience. Central London cask suddenly tasted prime Derbyshire/Notts border. Cornwall is starring as Burton on Trent. Rural Norfolk does a passable impression of South Manchester. Buckinghamshire dons a Black Country disguise. You get the picture!
But then I came to Dumfries and Galloway.
30 ticks across six days (I won't include pre-emptives), so instead of ranking them by pub experience, I've decided to do it by beer. Easier to quantify. We'll work our way from worst to best,
30. Creebridge House Hotel, Newton Stewart
Situated in the Minnigaff area of town, it was a major gaffe that sees this comfy traditional Scottish hotel bar finish bottom. Only a few hours earlier, a CAMRA mag told me they constantly stock two Five Kingdoms beers but both handpumps are empty today. A cute couple tell me I'll need to fetch a staff member from reception around the corner. She heaves herself from her desk and pours me a Guinness. I ask the cask question. Apologies? She had none. Probably thinks I'm a wee daftie for asking. It is a lovely place to drink though, and better a Guinness than a pint that tastes of vinegar or Jeyes fluid. I'd had a decent coffee in town at 'Brew Ha Ha' just before so if I close my eyes, I can imagine I'm on Titanic Cappuccino. As the bar fills up, a companionable atmosphere is fostered. The chattiest lady keeps mentioning her impending return to Hull, and hands round carrier bags of homegrown veg to the locals she knows. The TV weather forecast predicts a storm blowing right across Dumfries & Galloway overnight, which causes a ripple of excitement. I stay for another half due to poorly timed buses, again having to find hidden staff and it is a bugbear of mine when pub staff are anywhere but behind the bar - like watching a band when the lead singer doesn't face the crowd. Still, the most enjoyable pub experience of this first part.
29. Riverside Bar, Dumfries
Most of my poor experiences came over the weekend, my first two days here when the weather was warm and muggy (it turned to Autumn on the Monday morning, and I found better beer after that, probably no coincidence). This chirpy colourful pub had a great atmosphere on the Saturday evening, and as I walk in, a live band are heckling a bloke for having socks the same colour as his can of coke. A crazy lady runs over and starts jokingly trying to nick my phone. I think. The folk were in the mood for fun, yet I didn't feel awkward or isolated as a solo drinker. This was my first night in Dumfries, and the pub closest to my Air B n B just south of the town centre, and my first sighting of Five Kingdoms ales. Well it tastes like something you'd use to unblock drains so I ditch it in favour of Tennent's. I try telling the staff above the din but it comes across like I just don't like the flavour! Oh well, it stopped me staying here til closing time which would've been a distinct possibility. And a blessing as I had an early bus to Moffat in the morning.
28. Cavens Arms, Dumfries
A day after my Riverside Bar experience, I'm back in Dumfries on the Sunday afternoon to mop up as many ticks as I can due to a lack of buses and trains allowing me to get elsewhere. With a similar horrid taste to my afore mentioned beer, the only thing that helped me persevere with this was a bag of Fridge Raiders chicken which I ate on the sly throughout to take the edge off! He'd warned me it was deliberately hazy (one of those Fyne offshoot beers) because "it puts some people off!" But that wasn't the thing putting me off! Far too many beers on, warm weather, no one drinking cask. The shit beer trilogy. An odd sort of a pub which didn't really work for me despite some fine tiling, carpets and plush bench seating. You are hit with reception desk on entrance as though they expect you to dine. All staff wander around in tight fitting black shirts. And yet it tries to give an 'honest boozer about town' kinda vibe which I thought jarred with its corporate presentation. I'd expected more. I don't know why.
27. Ryrie's, Edinburgh
A change of pace for my final day brought me to Edinburgh, another place I've found the beer a struggle when I spent a week here in November 2022. Just outside Haymarket station, I'm wowed by the beautiful stained glass windows, sun shimmering in and superb wood panelling. The staff are smartly attired, I suspect the lassie serving me is new as she is being monitored by a sickly Tintin as she pulls my pint (not too successfully, but I don't mind a big head, reminds me of Yorkshire!) I take a seat next to who I originally thought but definitely wasn't Annie Lennox and wonder how I've not seen this pub in the GBG before. The answer is soon obvious. Proper grim pint. Kia Ora they call it but no crows will be loving this. But hey, at least I had some nice surroundings eh?
26. Fleshers Arms, Dumfries
The big sign was necessary, you could easily think it was a building site otherwise! And once inside, apart from the surprise feature of the three handpumps actually facing you, it did feel like a proper dive bar. Didn't dislike, but it really wasn't convincing. Poor barmaid might have a 9/10 jumper on but she looks so bored out of her skull. Two ruddy faced jocular gents at the bar do their best to create a vague atmosphere, lots of wheezy cackling and piss taking. The other customers are like me, just random lone blokes sat in dark corners hoping the next 'Now 80's' track which booms through this echo chamber will be a 'banger'. Am conscious from the off that my stout has a tang, it gets away with it for about 2/3 and then starts to become a bit vinegary so I leave last inch, and barmaid gives me a cheerful shouted 'goodbye' which I'd not been expecting!
25. Douglas Arms, Dumfries
Similar beer experience here, I'm very encouraged when I not only see the bar person (no way you'd want to assume gender here) pulling it through thoroughly first like a proper ale wizard, the likes of which I rarely saw all week, but the first half is quite strong. It descends into mediocrity soon after, and by the final third, it is so tired it is struggling to keeps its eyes open. A bit like Hull City this season, without the good bit. A real curio of a place. Spanish tapas meets Caribbean beach bar in some respects, but it is the incredibly '2024' ethos that is most striking - in a part of town where I'd just seen 3 alki's on the steps opposite the local offie drinking wine from a paper bag and shouting at random passers by! 'Be nice or leave!' screams the first sign I see. I always am! "No Sexists, No Racists, No Fascists!" says another. Ok, that's fair. A pebble on the bar tells me to support trans rights. 'I own three 'Against Me!' albums and I only find Mackenzie in Neighbours mildly annoying!" I plead with the pebble. Most of the other customers are gnarly old geezers drinking Guinness. There's a bit of Derek Acorah / Mary Loves Dick chat to rally me late on, but like most Dumfries pubs, I was glad to wield the green Staedtler and put this experience behind me.
24. Foot of the Walk, Leigh, Edinburgh
Leith was the part of Edinburgh (& the Lothians) where my beer struggled more than any other on my 2022 epic clean sweep of the area, so it wasn't a total surprise to find a below par beer at this tram side 'Spoons of curvy ceiling, high stools but a surprisingly hushed atmosphere for one so packed to the rafters. At least the sun was out so I could say 'Sunshine on Leith', something which had evaded me on my grey previous visit. But I wouldn't walk 500 miles for this pint of 5% Blaven. This one was decent for two thirds before descending to vegetable matter, so I hope you can see things are improving slightly as we head to, oh and this was my 2,999th pub tick (at the time) so I was buzzing with (short term) anticipation for the big 3000. And then a man got a carry out box, put his wife's chips in it, sprinkled liberally with enough salt to down an army of slugs, and called for a taxi.
23. Dog & Gun, Keswick
Just when it looked like Cumbria had escaped part one without an entry, a pint of something inspidly Greene King in a rubbish glass at this messy dog infested hole reminded me exactly why I'd disliked Keswick first time around when I ticked the horror Wainwright and the slightly better Pheasant. I know the pub has 'dog' in the name, and that there seems to be an unsaid rule in this super busy tourist town that you have to bring at least three dogs when visiting, but it was stifling. Staff were very good, and the beer was nowhere near as bad as some of those mentioned previously. "Fancy seeing you here!" I say to deaf dog lady who was very chatty on the bus from Braithwaite, but now looked terrified. I have to perch at the end of the bar for the first half due to a lack of seating, to many sympathetic smiles, but the situation improves once a seat becomes available and I get into a nice chat with a trio from Southwell in Notts who know the Final Whistle but not the Coach House so I tell them it is a must visit. Oh, how I was craving beer of that quality right now! They seem to personally know all the Forest European Champions team, Martin O'Neil featured heavily, I ask about John McGovern cos he was once our assistant manager. All good.
And there we have it. Beer will get better in part two, it won't be great, but it will be drinkable. And I'll have that for you either tomorrow, Sunday or Monday depending if I do much more 'secret ticking' before the new GBG comes out officially a week today.
Speaking of which, if you have a copy of the new edition, look up these eight and see how many have made the new Guide, you might be surprised!
Si
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