Let the countdown continue where the beer quality, I'm delighted to tell you, hits 'perfectly fine' territory, GBG worthy? Manchester/Birmingham, not quite. Dumfries & Galloway, for sure.
And I chose a good dollop of darks, which I think helped my enjoyment because stout, porter, ESB and best bitters are my top styles, with maybe the odd mild.
14. Famous Star Hotel, Moffat
Sunday 11:30am and I enter the Guinness world record holder for narrowest hotel in the UK, breathe in and make my way to the bar and I'll admit I'm a bit let down that it feels like 90% of other tatty Scottish hotel bars with a food bent. "We're actually closed" murmurs the sinister elderly lady behind the bar despite 10am being listed on EVERY SOURCE and THEIR DOOR BEING UNLOCKED AND WIDE OPEN. "Oh sorry, shall I come back at 12?" I ask. "Och, nawwww" she replies. I'm thinking where the flip is the cask ale, and then I see a little scuffed chalkboard offering "real ale, local brew" which is pulled from quite far back, partially unsighted. Slightly warm, but I'm surprised how drinkable it is. On a muggy day where the beer struggled more than any other, this was a rare win in a peculiar town full of dithering elderly tourists. A very depressing atmosphere in here, as glum diners shamble in for desolate Sunday lunches, enjoyed with no words and no smiles. A suited bloke wanders around asking if everyone is okay (apart from me of course, wet led scum I am). Late fun as a man Davidson asks if he can book a table for later. "Any dogs?" he's asked. He has one. "How big?" "Eh?" "How's big's ya dug?" "He's a wee Jack Russell". "Awwch, that's fine then".
13. Fox Tap, Keswick
Ominous storm clouds circle for a tempestuous BRAPA tick in a tourist town which is never lucky for me. Even when I think I'm enjoying an ale this holiday, like here, a sour taste is left in my mouth. Let me paint the picture and you can decide if I was being over sensitive. 2pm opening, and I'm first customer through the door, ordering a pint of Harlequin off the pleasant barmaid, which tastes good to me. Tis the type of bar for the beer ticker to swallow down a few thirds and push on, rather than a pub lover settling in for a cosy sesh. Comfort wasn't a high priority in the design. But it is bright, pleasant, clean, there's merch, the smell of brewing, and you get the impression this is a professionally run organisation who know their onions. Two other customers join shortly after. Following me in is Sallow Skeletor in a blue beanie hat who is obviously a local. And a third bloke, who I reckon is a tourist staying in Keswick and has made this his de-facto beer haunt for the week. Tries a bit of chat and over familiarity which isn't wholly reciprocated but then again, his banter is a bit shit. Smallish box shaped main bar. Everyone can hear each other. You'll know if you've been. Barmaid starts some 'quality control' by pulling an inch of each ale and having a sip. "Oooh, slippery slope that ... I say, slippery slope that" says tourist, reaching Fred Elliot levels of cringe which she politely 'hmms' at. But when she reaches my beer, the Harlequin, she announces "I think that might be on the turn". Then turns to S.S., pulls him a drop and asks for his opinion. Now considering he's drinking something else, I'm drinking this, and that she served me it a few mins ago and I'm directly opposite, you think she'd involve me, but no. Just S.S. Can only hope he's their chief beer tester / brewer? S.S. obviously doesn't think anything's wrong with beer either, cos he's non-committal without wanting to disagree. When I return my empty glass, I say (as pointedly as I can muster) "well I thought the Harlequin tasted good and I had a whole pint of it!" but she's unflinchable, simply replying "oh well, maybe just me, thought there was something slightly there, not sure!" Seems no big deal writing it now, but at the time, it really jarred, but being my second last day, could've been culmination of a tough beer holiday taking its toll!
12. Old Eastway Tap, Edinburgh
My 3,000th tick! But not for long with the GBG churn. In fact, when I get back to 3,000 some time in the spring of 2025, there is a chance I could drop back below it AGAIN Sept 2025, but let's not go there, for my sanity, pleeeeasseee! In the shadow of Hibs Easter Road, I feel like I've been to this bar 1,000 times before. 40% in South London, 40% in Edinburgh. 20% in Sheffield, with their bearded staff, dog biscuits, nachos, mac n' cheese and hot dogs on clipboards, students in oversized woolly cardigans tapping away on laptops and draining the Wifi, incongruous old ladies shuffling in for half a Guinness, clomp clomp clomp of footsteps on the wooden floorboards, colourful gins, dried flowers. My mild was decent but too fizzy to be considered good, a more inconsequential way to bring up the (fake) 3,000 I couldn't have imagined.
11. Standing Order, Edinburgh
As I found when I got into nice chats with staff / fellow punters on rare occasions this holiday, when your other senses are pre-occupied, it is a helluva lot easier to distance yourself from the taste of what you're drinking. Sense occupying me here was 'sight'. By crikey, what a stunning former bank. Not sure I've seen a better ceiling ever. And I've seen a lot of ceilings. There's a banking dude on a plinth. When do I get my banking plinth for services to business loan administration? Toilets are disgusting. And too many tourists come in, take photos and walk straight back out, but we'll forgive them, I'm going back to York tomorrow and feeling magnanimous. I nearly order one of my all time faves, Titanic Plum Porter, but then I see Silkie Stout, which slips down nicely but is nowhere near the quality I had it in Berwick's Curfew earlier this year. Then three teenage ladz come in and order Tennent's one by one, and it is a sobering reminder of the Scottish cask struggle. Focus on the ceiling!
10. Sportsman, Carlisle
First pub of my holiday, and for once in Cumbria I'm glad to report a characterful exterior which hasn't had the shit ripped out of it once you get inside. Odd welcome though, perhaps not helped by my overnight rucksack threatening to decimate the pub if I were to suddenly swing round. Three generations of possibly the same family eye me in that curious 'what's his game?' way as I approach the bar. This is normally reserved for rural Beds and Bucks pubs, who are expecting you (a) drop off a parcel or (b) say you are lost and wanting directions, and then a surprised relief flit(wick)s over their features when you ask for a pint of beer. Like "I was NOT expecting him to say that, what a play from the leftfield!" I end up forcing them to recommend me the stout out of social embarrassment, if that makes any sense! Drinks pretty well. But if piped Buble didn't annoy enough, it was a grimy table top which my elbows stuck to, loos not great, cobweb at my shoulder, yeah I just felt I could've been even better. I don't want an antiseptic pub, but please give it a wipe. Look how pissed off blind Sooty is?
9. Robert The Bruce, Dumfries
Well kept beer in Dumfries shocker! Had to be 'Spoons, beer saviour of so many towns who aren't good at real ale. Chatty barman, fine carpet, bonkers happy baby, sun streaming in, busy as you'd expect on a warm Sunday afternoon at the end of summer. And even then, I remember thinking this Harviestoun Bitter 'n Twisted ain't a patch on the three pints of it I drank in L**ds Stick or Twist on a work's night out last month. Which shows everything's relative. And in Dumfries, everyone's a relative. My main regret is not coming back here later in the week, or at least not ticking this one later in the holiday. I did have one beer in Dumfries that beat this, in the pre-emptive Riverside Tap. But they only serve 2/3 pint measures max (tsk, obviously at the cost of a pint!) and just had one on. I reckon those factors combined must be why they are reluctant to put it in the GBG, but when you consider how poor the ale was in the other five GBG entries, well I would certainly be including it. It is a book showcasing beer QUALITY after all. Cutting your nose off to spite your face otherwise isn't it? Still, my experiences were fleeting one pinters. Perhaps I was unlucky? Better beer at other times? Trust the local CAMRA eh? I think I'll sup up and say nowt more!!
8. Sulwath Brewery Tap, Castle Douglas
My 15th and final D&G tick of the holiday was a largely positive experience. Friendly beard bloke smoking / doing important pub and brewery work outside doesn't want to be in my photo, so I give him a chance to move which is bloody decent of me #EthicalSi2024 We get chatting, and soon I'm on their porter. He looks incredibly nervous when a Man City fan with links to Oldham and Macclesfield shouts over "What you think of the Porter then?" and I shout 'very nice, chocolatey!' though I'm thinking it could be a touch fresher. I think the loos are upstairs so climb a rickety staircase and a ladder and nearly end up in a vat of beer - no one stopped me! But I do like the feel of this brewery tap, much more rustic and gently done than most, even smells of meat and bicycle clips which is a new one on me. Our 'Citeh' mate is now upset cos someone has mentioned Cristiano Ronaldo. "#TeamMessi" he shouts, like a pre-pubescent boy on X. "It is possible to appreciate both have had great careers" I call, quite proud of my meta-thinking. His wife let's out a shrill shriek at this (only time I really heard from her), but he looks at me like I'm insane for suggesting such a thing and reminds me who CR7 played for so I apologise for my impertinence.
There we go! Beer getting better and in our final part later this week, we travel to seven pubs that serve some genuinely good beer and I'm looking fwd to telling you about it.
But firstly, I suspect I'll need to break off for a special GBG release day blog on Thursday morning. The tension builds as the cruel embargo nears its hideous conclusion.
Si
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