Thursday 23rd November 2023, 2pm
It was with a genuine sense of trepidation that I embarked on this difficult leg of my DuMuP (Durham Mop Up Operation).
Thankfully, Ozan Toucan had recovered from a beak strain, and my quiche had a crust.
Five ticks on my agenda, but one doesn't open until 6:30pm. At least that one is on a bus route. Another 4 o'clocker wasn't, and walking on a pavementless road in the dark seemed a bad idea.
So I had to get my timings right, and trust that I could order a taxi or two when required. But it all made me very nervous!
Even the 'easy' opening tick at Heighington was something I had to work for. The station is a squelchy 36 mins walk from the village, along a path full of wet dogs and slippy leaves.
It was one of those traditional County Durham / North North Yorks villages with huge swathes of green, and the pub wasn't exactly hard to spot.
Bay Horse, Heighington (2539 / 4697)
The gnarly cricket watching blokes give me a nervous 'alreet!' as I take my pint of 9/10 Pennine Millie George right through the heart of their mid afternoon huddle, and I like to think they were thinking "wow, who's he? Stunning and brave" but probably not. You see, this was the best corner of the pub to admire the 8.5 carpet and 9 woodburner. With the cricket constantly interuppted by a barrage of adverts, attentions turn to whether Sunderland AFC can make a concerted promotion push. Mild optimism abounds. If I'd been psychic and said "Mowbray will be gone within a month" I'd have been laughed out of the pub. Fickle old game innit? Strong pub this though, amazed it spent five years out of the Guide 2018-22.
The bus is delayed, and the eventual crawl into Bishop Auckland takes ages. Not a bad thing really, as I have more than enough time until the awkard village boozers decide to open. No such problem here, being a Wetherspoons n all .....
Stanley Jefferson, Bishop Auckland (2540 / 4698)
Stan Laurel to you and me, if the inn sign isn't enough of a resemblance. If you think that's bad, check out the weird tinsel clad phallic sculpture in 'reception'. Now, I'm quite partial to a 'Spoons from time to time, but I'll admit they are often a bit much of a muchness. Yet this was distinctly below the national average. The Plum Porter is too cold, and I've not been able to use a 50p off voucher! First time this has happened this Prestwick 2015. She claims it is because they've recently reduced their prices, but if I go to a more expensive 'Spoons like the one in Crook, I can use them there. Hmmm, not sure this is strictly right, NOT that I mind paying £1.99 a pint, like! Although her outward demanour was friendly, I detect a bit of passive aggresion like 'don't you dare argue the toss tosser'! And there's a bloke sat right behind me with a foghorn voice and some very weird opinions, just to compound a real crummy Spoons experience.
However, my main task here had been achieved, summoning a taxi to take me to Witton-le-Wear. No bus. I came here with Daddy BRAPA a few years back to visit the commendable Dun Cow, where a bloke carried a giant leek over his shoulder. Who'd have thought WLW would get a second pub?
As my driver Ponkaran pulls up, I'm like "ooooh, I HOPE I'll be able to get out of here as easily as I got here (HINT HINT)" but the man isn't for turning, quite literally, so I skidaddle , feeling quite abandoned, and give him a tip only on the off chance it acts as a guilt trip bribe.
Victoria B&B, Witton le Wear (2541 / 4699)
I'm not entirely sold on the Victoria, I'd have expected something cosier, more traditional, a bit more contained. Unless I actually have my face on the radiator, it is a degree or two too chilly. The seating and tables are a bit low, clubby and the general layout is a bit airy and sweeping. It does benefit though from a strong local following, canny marras hugging the huge horseshoe bar like acceptable blockers. With 6:30pm still some way off, staying for a second pint is required, and things improve. The Coffee Stout is scintillating (I'd not loved the Rivet Catcher as much as usual) and it gives me a chance to chat to some of the locals about my 'BRAPA conundrum' and get the WiFi code which increases my taxi chances greatly, having had zero signal when I arrive and proper panicking! I was even consdiering the B&B option! Yes, fair to say the Victoria is a grower, and I'm quite fond of the place by the time, guess who, that man Ponkaran arrives, about 6:15pm, nicely timed for pub #4.
"Oh fancy seeing you here again!" I say to the Ponk (cos we're now mates, probably), and you know what, it is dark but I see in the rear view mirror that he cracks a half smile. He may as well have hung around for a drink with me, but no he tells me he did get a job back in the Bish Auks inbetween.
He's very efficient, and dumps me in the one horse village of North Bitchburn at 6:25pm. 5 mins too early. The wind is whipping up a gale now and howling around me. At least there's a bench outside the pub.
18:29 and the door springs open a whole minute early (oh North Bitchburn, you are really spoiling us). "I don't want you to think I'm desperate or anything!" I call out to the landlord, but he grunts and retreats back inside. Quick, run run run before he locks it again!
Red Lion, North Bitchburn (2542 / 4700)
The naughty Victoria locals had told me the mean opening hours here had been down the guv'nor being 'lazy' but now I was here and in, I'm rating it pub of the day. From the squishy red carpet, to the excellent Cullercoats ale, to the bouncy music, set off by a 10/10 roaring crackling fire, which he tended to at regular intervals. He asks about my GBG, and is proud that his pub has made it which always ties in with the pubs that do everything well (South Cave coming up in a couple of weeks from now would be similar). A shame only one other customer arrives, and that is whilst I'm putting my coat on to leave, but what a pleasant half hour this had been. Good things really do come to those who wait.
The bus not only arrives on time (huzzah!) but it goes right through to Darlo (huzzah!), tough on the bladder but we make it, and with Darlo-York trains still running, I decide tackling a fifth tick isn't overly foolhardy.
Crafty Merlin's Micropub & Bottle Shop, Darlington (2543 / 4701)
Saw it in the 2023 GBG making a debut and thought 'I'll give it a year, see if it retains its place before I visit'. Well it did, so here I am. And I can report quite favourably on a micro bottle shop with dimly lit boozy atmosphere, a slightly younger crowd than I'd seen so far tonight which is always good, and a bit of canny Darlo hospitality you'd expect from a town so proper. A doggie/doggo photo selfie session was no surprise, I must admit. A first Christmas beer of the year, 'Nightmare Before Christmas' by Hambleton, is spicy Portery poetry. My main memory (I'd had a pints few by now) was that my silly brain couldn't work out that in order to get inside the single toilet cubicle, you have to half open the door and edge yourself inside in stages. I went THREE times, and got wedged in all three times. Oh dear, there's no fixing stupid.
And then it was home to York, which was mericifully straightforward.
I'm on fire with this blog catching up quest at the moment. Fully caught up for Christimas? Don't be silly. Mid Jan? Maybe. Only three weeks behind!
Have a good 'un, Si
Spoons lady was wrong unless they’ve moved goalposts, can’t pay less than a quid I believe……