BRAPA in ..... MATLOCK DASH TO MATLOCK BATH, WE'RE HAVING A LAUGH

23rd March 2024

I can't remember my last the climb up Matlock's big 'ill, only the descent. I'm going back a few years now but I think the pub was called the Thorn Tree, atmospheric, howling wind outside, and old fashioned even for 2018 standards!

Two micros up here these days, at least the sun is out after earlier hailstones ....

It had been a tough old journey and felt like we were heading for the summit of Everest rather than doing summat with Everitt (thanks!) To prolong it, Daddy BRAPA decided he needed to purchase a small spirit level whilst I was in search of a hat in case the heaven's open again.

Amazingly, we found this bonkers higgledy-piggledy DIY store selling everything you could dream of close to Matlock station. It also had a selection of potential BRAPA mascots whoring themselves out, but I couldn't allow myself, our squad is too big, BRAPA FFP rules and all that, and we don't have Man City's legal team .....

Dad sees the place before I do, and a good job too, I'd be halfway down the road. Why do some modern bars insist on next to no signage? Probably the same ones which complain about lack of footfall. Dorks.

Relief of a 'first pub of day achieved' etched all over his face / spirit level

But no dorks here at this impressive shabby-chic brickie bookish sun-clad Newsroom, Matlock (2703 / 4684)., slightly 'Allo 'Allo Cafe Rene. A bit like gazelles who live on the craggy mountain ridge, the locals have adapted. Huge calf muscles, a tiny third lung, the locals and genial barman chuckle at our breathless arrival and I surmise that they can spot a non-local-bottom-of-hill dweller a mile off. Dad's behaviour is inadvertently threatening, as he plonks his spirit level on the bar. "I'm not a surveyor, honest!" he quickly adds, noting the barman's worried expression. Dad decides he's going to name it 'Spiro' and make it a pub mascot. Now it is Colin's turn to feel threatened. Strangely, the barman only charges us for one pint and has to chase us across the pub to complete our payment, but what kind of monsters pay for their drinks separately? Think it might be a twentysomethings / student thing, but not something that's ever been part of my pub culture. Then I sup a very nice stout and all is well with the world.

Sorry Col, we have a new hero. Introducing ..... Spiro

A few doors away (but I still nearly got lost), our second pub in upon us sharpish, just about standing ......

A scaffold clad micro is always a worry (I've only done 60% of the GBG, I'm too young to die!) so I'm grateful that the Farmacy, Matlock (2704 / 4685) seems sturdier indoors. The barmaid is very chipper as I agonise over whether drinking a second consecutive strong dark beer is a good idea. She tells me the name, Frankenstein's Porter is a tribute to the brewer's teenage daughter Fran, who resembles a monster when she gets out of bed on a morning! Sold! A chap we recognise from the Newsroom offers us a seat at his table. How lovely. But he undoes his early promise by rolling his eyes at Colin, and sneering at the GBG and the BRAPA concept!! Probably more of a Spiro bloke. What a monster! Bet he's called Frank (N. Stein). Then he goes back to reading his paper which is fine by me. When I go to the toilet at the end to lose some weight (see loo sign below, TMI, but must get back on Keto after this long spell on the ale), I'm surprised to see the man and Dad stood up talking. "I was determined to force him to show some social skills!", says Dad as we leave, when I ask how on earth he'd achieved that!

Big John could only dream .....

Time to roll back down the big 'ill where our third and final Matlock proper tick is lurking, conveniently placed for a swift train retreat.

I didn't like the Stoke station one, but I did like a Stafford back-streeter, so I was interested to see what I'd make of this latest bod, Matlock (2705 / 4686). Bit of a hectic start, as Matlock are at home to Whitby no less, where I'd been only two days previously, so something of a BRAPA local derby! It is typically cafe-esque, with ales, coffees, cakes and savoury snacks flying out from all angles, people trying to queue behind us when there is no need, and a phone box with a giant toilet roll (for Gulliver from his nearby Kingdom?) At 3:07pm, it is with great relief when the last of the visiting Whitters fans finally eff off and leave us in peace, funny thing about non-league games, no one seems to mind if they miss the first quarter of an hour, which would be sad for the Haddock Stranglers, cos they were 2-0 up by then! We've just missed our hourly train (a theme of today), so we have NO OPTION but to stay for a second pint. Dad adds a cheeky sausage roll into the mix, but bod being bod and needing to do bod things, they cut it in two, put it on two plates, add a bit of green leaf and chutney, to create a gourmet illusion. Meanwhile, my Derbys mates / saviours from two weeks back (see Parwich and Kniveton), Rich and Steve, still need the Matlock Bath tick, so they say they'll meet us there, and drive us back to Derby via my Spondon tick. Up for BRAPA people of the year award these guys, I tell ya. A place we ended up enjoying after a shaky start.

Not sure whether it was the effects and three stouts and a bonus Titanic Iceberg in fairly quick succession but Matlock Bath must be one of the weirdest places I've ever seen, and you see a lot of places in this pub ticking game.

It couldn't be more inland, but it gives off strong seaside vibes, every second shop is a chippie, there's candy floss galore, you even have weird cliffs and cable cars, all the fun of the fair with none of the beach!

A first GBG appearance since 2016, and just a third ever for the Fishpond, Matlock Bath (2706 / 4867) where the general seaside theme extends into this clompy unconvincing bare boarder, the type where empties are strewn everywhere, people would rather sit than stand, and Dad's with weird leg tattoos of mermaids asked Kaylee and Kayden if they want Fruit Shoots to accompany their alphabetti spaghetti, whilst purple haired Mummy Carli vapes a noxious blue watermelon. "If only I'd known what it wor doing to my lungs duck, I'm suing!" she'll tell a reporter on an exclusive for 'Alfreton Tonight' in 2045. I didn't witness any of this, just need a bit of filler cos we sat outside which seemed a relief and had a decent Shiny. The highlight was returning from the loo to find another Derbyshire BRAPA legend, Andy the London Ram (from my Mickleover/Littleover December Drunken classic), propping up the bar briefly, getting his tick in. What were the chances?! I take him outside to meet the gang but he can't linger as wife is waiting in car. One tick to go!

In the Rich-mobile, the car journey is especially fun for me cos we've got Northampton v Derby on the radio and I spend 90% of the journey incorrectly assuming the Rams are 1-0 up, and just for the life of me I cannot understand why the commentators are being so blimmin' impatient about Derby getting forward and showing urgency, I'm thinking "god, leave them alone, they don't need to press!"

But the others finally tell me this was cobblers cos Northampton are actually the team winning, and they did, just as we arrive for my emotional Spondon debut ......

Not too many strong memories of the Hoptimist. Spondon, Derby (2707 / 4868) but let us blame the place for not being captivating enough rather than my '5th pub of the day' syndrome. My main recollections are a leafy half indoor/outdoor place with heaters and lamps a bit like a garden centre / sauna / butterfly house crossed with Allestree's No 189. At least this place has an entrance door #NeverForget Oh, and an exciting sliding toilet door, which I navigate with the turning circle of Martyn Waghorn when he played for us on loan away to Leicester 28 years ago. My beer was called The Lone Ranger, and Rich kindly offers to drop us back in Derby just to cement his place in BRAPA folklore. A lot of these potential BRAPA chauffeurs talk a good game, but can they do it on a grey Saturday afternoon in Spondon? Colin meanwhile had won the battle and suffocated Spiro and made sure he wasn't getting out of the bag, sad for Spiro who was planning a 'Spiro in Spondon' blog title.

Think I nodded off in the back of the car cos when I come to, I hear Dad asking "oooh, what is this pretty part of Derby we are in?" and Rich and Steve reveal this is the back of the famous Brunswick Inn. How clever. Well, it'd be rude not to pop in for the Black Sabbath (my ESB of the East Midlands) wouldn't it?

And there we have it, thanks to all who contributed. More Derbyshire progress, I'm really thinking I'd like a fully green Derbys by the end of August so watch this space.

Join me tomorrow when we tackle scarier East Midlands fare ..... Leicestershire/Northants, and visit six pubs I didn't much enjoy, so that'll be fun!

Si