BRAPA in .... THE SCOTTISH COUNTDOWN : PT 3/5 (Pubs 22-16) YES SIR, I GOT BOGIES

Ready for seven minor Scottish gripes and occasional weirdness from my recent holiday in Aberdeen and beyond?

Good, let's begin .....

22. Alexandra Hotel, Ballater

"ENJOY THA SUN!" barks the elderly landlady, which sounds like an order to bugger off outside and leave this stuffy 1989 Bridlington-esque style stale piss and stewed veg smelling hotel bar for more deserving local crones. Just as well that Friday 1st May 2026 is the warmest day I've ever witnessed in Scotland. I cross the 'magic-eye' 6/10 carpet into what I'm hoping is a going to be a green and pleasant beer garden, but the reality is a small square concrete space. You could be in downtown Funchal. Only more fungal. The Cairngorm Trade Winds is thankfully a good drop, but ain't there a fine line between quaint unspoilt family run hotel bar and clapped out knackers yard in need of injection of life before it crumbles out of existence?

21. Howff, Aberdeen

An underground GBG entry in Aberdeen? I feel like we've been here before. I'd just arrived in town and was escaping the oiks who'd got off the train with me, now lining the streets with their chanting and cans of Special. "Is there some kind of event happening today?" I ask the landlady because I like an opening gambit. "Darts tonight, out near Dyce" she tells me, pointing over my shoulder at a group of ladz. They raise their Tennent's and give a gentle 'graarrr'. Classic BRAPA luck, if there's an event on in town, I'll accidentally pick that one day of the year to visit! The Stewart Pentland IPA clings onto respectability. Never a given with their beers, but it seems their 'one cask' is deliberate, so commendable. The most moustachioed old English gentleman has already directed me to the loos, when he gathers the staff into a huddle to tell them about time he fell of a mountain in Tibet / Kenya. Sounded a jolly good wheeze. The carpet is a coffee creme swirling 8/10. But I was restless, wanting to dump my heavy bags & check in at my Air B&B so I could get to more difficult pubs.

Pre-mountain story intro chat with the lady who served me

20. Black Isle Bar, Inverness

Sunday afternoon in Inverness was the happiest, liveliest section of my holiday, and the blue touch paper was lit at this uninspiring pizza smelling, wooden Pret-a-Manger arse-damaging bench craft hole, the likes of which are ten a penny across the U.K. in 2026. A promising giant ginger bearded welcome kicks things off. Red Kite or Goldfinch is the birdie ale choice. Cool, strawy, nothing to write home to mother about. I ask this couple if I can perch on the edge of their bench. Didn't realise another couple were joining them shortly. Suddenly it is a bit squashy. Should I move? Not so fast! My GBG sparks a chat with gorge original wife, and later on, secondary wife, about their August debut pub trip to York and toilet apprehension on long BRAPA bus rides. One of the most pleasant and meaningful conversations of my holiday! And with this new found surge of positivity, it is at this moment I decide to stay out late in Inverness and risk the 21:30 train back to Aberdeen, rather than rushing for the 17:45 one. Cos in BRAPA, fortune (sometimes) favours the brave.

19. Bandstand, Nairn

I gave out a bitter BRAPA snort of derision when researching the opening hours for this one. 'Don't trust anything you read online, our hours are dependent on how many staff we have on a given day' or words to that effect. How helpful(!) So it was with trepidation that I walk through the bleak overcast streets of Nairn on a chilly Sunday lunchtime, sun desperately trying to push through. But as you can see, I'm in luck. Ignore sinister shovel man, I never saw him again so assume he buried himself. To my right, a portable bar is being set up for a mini-beer festival. Hurrah! Not that I'd be hanging around. This handsome music-themed residential gaff is teeming with buzzy indoor staff too. All super friendly. The broon ale from Electric Bear drinks steadily, if I'm being kind. A posh guest shuffles out of his quarters to order a roast beef dinner. Then a wiry red southern chap pops up, has a sneezing fit and the duo bond over unreasonable Scottish changing temperatures. "Ya don't fackin' get this in Guildford!" I feel like I'm being stared at but I've foolishly sat directly underneath Hibs v Celtic. I regularly crane my neck upwards to show interest. Sadly, I stand up to leave just as Hibs equalise on the stroke of half time, and my big fat heid blocks the screen. I apologise but Mr Roast Beef reckons my ineptness won't matter when Hearts win the title, which I agree they will as long as refs behave.

'He's gonna sneeze in a minute'

18. Ravenswood Club (Royal British Legion), Banchory

Scottish clubs scare me even more than English ones, although Welsh ones scare me twice as much as them. After some deliberation, I identify a distant 'Good Beer Guide, och aye, we're in it!' window sticker and clamber up the steps, waltz straight in with a Scottish gait whistling 'Danny Boy' (err, wrong country mate!) and I'm served easy as wink. Relief! Ossian, a great ale even when served in a Pedigree glass. A vast spartan place of uncertain seating. I head right into an empty sports room but I've barely taken my first sip when the local Mumsnet crew wander in with drinks, and insist on standing with their arses in Ivor Panda's face for the duration. You'd think with their dodgy old hips, they'd want a seat, but nae. But this was pint six and I was numb and gently intoxicated after a hot day out west, so it wasn't too annoying with my face stuck in my GBG.

17. Mosset Tavern, Forres

"I saw youse ootside earlier and thought you were a fisherman, but you were just having a pish!" chuckles a friendly mad lad, and ain't it just symptomatic of this bonkers bawbag? Foody, family, sporty, cheap and incredibly cheerful, think Craft Union with country inn vista, more teeth and a sprinkling of disinfectant. I obviously liked the gaff as I'd return for a swift pint of the Big Red T later in the day (you can't come to Scotland and not have at least one, that is #PubMan law). On my earlier visit, the Island Hopper by Swannay drinks a dream, blowing away all the competition we've seen so far in this countdown. I mention Hull City to the group next to me cos they've appeared on a plasma screen, having just had a great outcome which we'll discuss in part four. But no one had heard of us because we don't play Forres Mechanics on a regular basis. You're always watchful in here, grinding your teeth, on edge, eyes darting left and right, but I'd argue that it keeps you alive!

16. Osnaburg Bar, Forfar

Uncompromising curmudgeon-led back street boozer of some beauty, the polar opposite from our previous pub. I'd always wondered what Forfar was like, and now I know. 'Less romantic'. But I am rooting for this boozer, the one I was most likely to take my shoes off in all week. Easy, relaxed, my presence hardly registers as I slip behind the local barflies into Chelsea v Liverpool 'Premier League Years'. Rubbish scarf Mr Houllier! It is still 1997 in Forfar. 'What d'ya make of them Spice Girls then?' I'm sure one old boy asks his mates. The only constant sound is the barmaid's long fingernails tinkling on every pint glass. The (purposeful) one cask on is Abbot, in fine fettle. A reminder of what a hearty drop it is in this kinda form. I've witnessed its popularity up here before, 'heavy' and boozy. Whiskyish at a push. Campaign for more (deliberate) one beer pubs in the GBG please! RetiredMartin is right when he says there's more in the good book these days, but filtering by 3* (top) rated pubs on the CAMRA website, it is obvious that many branches are deliberately shunning their inclusion in favour of a 2* 'range'. Not in Forfar. Forfar IS the future, and I've tasted it.

So there we go, I feel like we've turned the corner and we're into pubs I rather enjoyed. Although I'm sure there'll still be a few gripes to come in part four.

I'm staying in tomorrow, washing, ironing and prepping for my main BRAPA summer holiday which begins next week and is scaring the crap out of me! So I'll try and get part 4 out during the opening World Cup game which I might enjoy with a pizza and a can cos ya know, World Cup innit?

Keep it generally pub, Si