BRAPA - NORTHUMBRIAN COUNTDOWN PART 1/4 (pubs 26-21)

Ranking the North Eastern pubs I visited last week in order of 'worst to best' has been an almost impossible task.

Quite often, my more enjoyable pints were in the pubs which were less pleasing to be in. And vice versa. Didn't we almost have it all? (As Whitney once sang on her five night stop in Craster).

We'll kick off with the bottom six tonight.

26. Black Bull, Etal

Well, it looked a beauty. The only thatched pub in the whole of Northumberland. So I can only assume that whoever decided to modernise the interior must hate pubs, or perhaps has never seen one in their life. For you rural West Berkshire stans, think Bunk Inn at Curridge. 'Random piles of logs not doing anything' is one of my top pub peeves. Biggest selection ever here. Presume no fires will be lit here or roof will go whoosh? The ale, my only Cheviot sighting of the week, is bizarre. Well kept, but a thin light malty mess straight out of science class. Barmaid, a striped woollen Scot with attitude, marks her territory by singing gentle folk tunes in a distorted way. Think Kate Bush at her most feral. I don't think she likes me. Thrice I've interrupted her from her deconstructed cheesy chip dinner. Once to get served, once to ask where loos are, and finally to ask about a WiFi password. WiFi is down, so she says, and with no signal and the bus 4 hrs away, I have to stand on a bench outside to summon a taxi from Berwick. Only customer, an elderly Freddie Mercury, talks to his dog like it's human, yet when stood next to me, ignores my presence. Chef comes out for a mooch about, him and barmaid grunt at each other for a couple of mins, both tapping away on their phones, strange for a pub so WiFi-less. I see from the window my taxi is early. Thank the lord. I neck this dirgy beer and jog on. Taxi driver is a lovely man, and I instantly feel human again. BRAPA redemption arc.

25. Robin Hood, East Wallhouses

Out on the long straight desolate Military Road about half way between Hexham and Newcastle, I used a 'taxi cheat' for this one although you can walk from the Matfen bus stop if you feel fruity. Early signs were good. The Tetley's lantern, a large warm loungey bar with 7/10 Scottish style tartan carpet, and most notably, one of the friendliest barmaids you could wish to meet. Not forced, just a genuinely lovely people person. I sit down, admiring the little wooden man carved into my arm rest, and all seems good until I try the beer. Vinegar. A first GBG appearance for this place since 1989 and on this showing I can see why. No hesitation in returning said pint, I knew she'd be great, and is. Maybe a bit too 'unsurprised' or 'unquestioning' but perhaps the policy is 'customer is always right?' Better than them arguing the toss. My replacement Rivet Catcher, usually a corker, is better, but not by much and soon gets worse. I force it down before Roman the Russian taxi man (pretending to be Ukrainian) arrives. I'm sure the bloke doing the old folks coffee and cream, who normally stands behind our barmaiderly star, is scowling at me as I return my glass with a cheerful 'goodbye'. Last pub of the holiday, I think fate was telling me it was time to get home to York.

24. County Hotel, Hexham

From the last pub of my holiday to the first. 'Square peg in round hole syndrome' was a theme of this holiday, and despite the huge amount of space on offer in this sweeping hotel, it was impossible to discern exactly where the humble lone drinker is supposed to sit. A poor quality pint of Tyneside Blonde didn't help, solidifying my long held feeling that Hexham isn't a good beer town. The one ray of light, yet again, was staff. One of the older of the female army steps forward, bit of weather chat, and really makes me feel welcome. Before I know it, she's directing me to the 'residents lounge' to sift through the many leaflets of 'stuff to do' in the area. I pick up a couple out of politeness, and briefly consider sitting in here with my pint, until a Nora Batty type guarding a mountain of suitcases growls from the corner, and I lose my nerve. But overall, this had been a poor experience.

No Colin, we're not going to the owl centre, sorry mate!

23. Jolly Fisherman, Craster

I feel bad ranking this one so low, as it was a victim of circumstances beyond its control. Staff and my pint of Tim Taylor Landlord were both excellent, usually that'd be enough for a top #10 place, but if there was one pub this week I was relieved to escape from and walk 3 miles away from, it was this. I'd taken a lengthy £2 bus ride from Newcastle, great money saving but numb bum as I trot down the hill of this pretty coastal village, reminiscent of Cornwall. It is grey and freezing cold. A sea roke intersperses with the plumes emanating from the fish smokehouses. All is magical until I enter pub to find a chaotic lunchtime scene of privileged crab chompers jostling for position and lunchtime tables. Monday in February, not half term week, I'd hate to imagine this place in summer! Bloke next to me is arguing, despite the barmaid patiently explaining why she doesn't know what the waiting time will be. His wife finally drags him away, and fuming barmaid tells me "IF I WAS PSYCHIC I WOULDN'T BE BLOODY WORKING HERE COS I'D KNOW THE LOTTERY NUMBERS". I tell her I bet she wishes all customers were as simple as me, then realise I didn't phrase it well. Because people are sheep, no one thinks to use the other bar, which at least gives me a perching spot. Big John doesn't help by refusing to let anyone have his other chair on account of his wife (Little Jules) in the loo. But she never appears and I reckon she doesn't exist and he just likes to John-spread. An old lady bumps into me, and I get a bit snappy (rare for me) which shows what a cramped pub experience this was.

Little Jules where art thou?

22. Greys Inn, Embleton

Don't worry mate, I'm here to save pubs

And after about 50 minutes of walking away from Craster on thankfully fairly quiet roads, I reach this boozer of sorts and think I've struck gold as I admire the local layout. And it only improves when a gang of kids (well, probably twentysomethings) are turned away because they aren't doing food til evening. Ha! Wet-led winners are we! I later find them lurking out back blocking the corridor to the loo (what were they doing? Keeping warm?) Five beers on seemed ambitious, not anything remotely dark between them which is annoying, and it is proper dishwater globby guff, second only to East Wallhouses for poorest pint of the week. That's why such a good pub on the surface has to be ranked so low. The lady behind the bar isn't the warmest character, but no worries as I end up having a great chinwag with these two ageing local long haired skull t-shirted biker types. I even remember thinking "I bet that's what the Hairy Bikers will look like in ten years time". Well, that comment aged well(!) They love York, and their favourite BRAPA tales all seem to involve the times I've got drunk and lost control! Reckon this pub could've ranked top #5 on a better beer day.

21. Tyne Amateur Rowing Club, Newburn

We'll end this initial tale of woe over in Tyne & Wear, and I think the problem here was that I'd raised my own expectations to a level that this club could never match. Late night, exciting location, a struggle to find the entrance in the dark, and yet it is such a lukewarm (and that's kind!) reception, incredibly mediocre pint of Rivet Catcher and a clutch of locals who seemed determined to stay on their own and close themselves off from outsiders like me. Large airy plain room and crumby ceiling tiles didn't help. I expect more from a club, especially in the North East where folk are renowned canny marras. Is Newburn perhaps 'posh Tyneside?' I recall GBG regular Keelman being a trying super busy doggy experience many years back.

Same time tomorrow night for six or seven more as we move into more acceptable level of mediocrity!

Crazy isn't it, because if we stick together the Etal thatched building, barmaids from East Wallhouses and Hexham, beer quality of Craster, general pub interior & locals of Embleton and exciting location of Newburn, you've got a pub of the year contender!

Thanks for reading, Si