BRAPA .... THE 7 BEER FLITCH : ONE MAN WENT TO DUNMOW
Saturday 27th April 2024
You could be forgiven for thinking because I visit so many pubs that I actually know what I'm doing when I get inside them. FAKE NEWS! Take White Hart Hotel, Witham (2772 / 4932) for example. Failure to spot a 'beer wall' had me nursing a dreadful St Austell Tribute in grand but lugubrious Mock Tudor semi-opulence. Half a Greene King IPA followed, better quality, but very much GK IPA, before Kent #PubMan Paul G alerts me to beer wall existence. This was backed up by the GBG description, had I bothered reading it! I'm not the most inquisitive individual, I'll admit. 'But why are you hanging around, glutton for punishment, Si?' I hear you ask. Well, I was waiting for the impending arrival of BRAPA heroes of our past, Simon and Daddy Dewhurst, for a day chauffeuring me around mid-Essex. Integral parts of my Essex GBG completion back in 2020/21 and two of the loveliest lads you could meet. Simon is more beer ticker, but he does it with humour and a grin, a rare breed. Not Adam Henson. That's a beer joke. It won't happen again. So I walk in a large circle around the pub, locate the beer wall around the same time they arrive, and we order halves. The barmaid who has been scowling at us for ten seconds with a face that'd curdle milk at ten paces suddenly pipes up "STEP AWAY FROM THE BEER WALL, YOU CANNOT BE SERVED HERE!" (Ironically, the barmaid over in GK/Tribute hotel area was the one high point). Yes, you have to squint, then memorise the beer wall offerings, and walk to one of the other areas of the pub to be served. Witless Witham banter. The beer over here is a vast improvement, but as beer wall pubs go, this was no Allens Green Queen's Head, and I left secure in the knowledge that the gigantic inn sign remains the best thing about this bollocks entry.
Nice carpet and codgers though
Our other Witham tick takes out to pleasant leafy outskirts, though we end up parking next to one of the weirder precincts you'll witness, I was having horrid flashbacks of Old Harrow, though I'm sure Pineapple Bob and Jerk Ken will sort you out.
Thankfully, in the shadow of a pretty church, our pub looked promising with an interesting array of old bottles in the window and a really nice outlook.
Woolpack Inn, Witham (2773 / 4933) would prove to be 'Pub of the Day'. It managed a degree of quirky and boozer which this part of Essex often struggles with. The beers were vaguely listed on the blackboards, and when I see 'IPA' I'm look 'oooh yes, I fancy a pint of IPA' thinking it must be some local delicacy from Pineapple Ken's shed, but luckily Simon is on the ball and asks if I really want my second GK IPA of the day, so I quickly back track and go for something called 'No Name', apt for a pub that didn't really like to give much away beer-wise! Puzzles that the family get at Christmas are in little boxes across the bar to keep you amused if the staff are AWOL which they often were. There is darts, pool, jukebox, a very decent 8/10 carpet, ancient pewters, and a group of woodland folk (one with a Scottish accent as is mandatory in all good pubs) rattling dominoes in the side room. And don't forget the plethora of plaques commemorating the now dead punters of times past. An interesting pub, a good pub.
Even leafier posher climes follow as Daddy D drives us onward NW in a Braintree direction .....
Cross Keys, White Notley (2774 / 4934) and it goes from plaques to plagues, or a lack of them, the 'White' to distance themselves from the Black Death, and makes sense to me because although we didn't encounter too many locals, I'd well imagine they think their bubonic-free stools stink less than the folk of Witham and Braintree. Despite my initial 'posh dining pub' reservations, this was a surprisingly strong entry. Grade II listed, very low beams, excellent staff, and a pub that benefits from being inside it - smelling, living and breathing it. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you can't judge a pub by looks alone. It has featured in many past GBG's such as the excellent 1976 edition (very much the thinking man's GBG) - description : '14th century inn with coins nailed to a beam'. There's an exciting cartoon mural of village happenings near the gents, and the chips are yummy, I know this because the Dewhurst's had promised Mummy Dewhurst they'd eat at some point today so ordered hot dog and chips and I was allowed to nick a couple. Bubo-tastic. Excellent (non GK) IPA.
Impossible to make it look as good as it felt, but I tried!
Up to Braintree next for pub #4 and we were making great progress which means my drinking speed must've been decent for once ......
Following an exciting multi-storey parking manoeuvre from Daddy D., we hit a real top tier Wetherspoons in the shape of Picture Palace, Braintree (2775 / 4935). Art deco 1930's former picture houses probably account for 90% of my favourite 'Spoons, and with the curving upper tier, juicy rainbow Mad Squirrel, jolly chat with a table wiping lady, plus an exceptional motley crew of scooters, buggies and grey haired man bags with specs, not to mention a 9/10 carpet, this was Braintree redemption after the extremely forgettable King William IV a few years back. Oh, and they are still screening films. 'Up' and 'Charlotte's Web' this coming weekend if you want to treat yourself.
Now we were really getting to the business end of the day with a trip to Great Dunmow, home of 'flitching' where married couples can earn a 'flitch' of bacon by convincing a local committee that they've never argued during their married life.
Last season's programme was still available, amazing they got Charles, Camilla, Gary Neville, Oliver Hardy and Bob Mortimer to take part.
A bloke wearing a pig's head was just vacating the car park as we enter, sadly I didn't get a photo, but nice to see the locals were taking this seriously.
Angel & Harp, Great Dunmow (2776 / 4936) definitely had a sunnier vibe than last year's Dunmow entry, the Boar's Head which felt vaguely sinister, not helped by too many morning coffees for me causing a horrid sickness as I tried to force down my Ghost Ship. The Lord Mayor was in today, the Cambridge Gold had a touch of joie de vivre, and although the carpet resembled mottled owl plumage which really needs to be shed, I'd still give it an encouraging 7/10. Simon has recently moved to Dunmow with his gf so I ask if he's tempted to get married and try and earn the flitch but he just laughed nervously. I ask what my vegan sister would do, and Simon suggests they might just chuck a nut roast at her, something I've been wanting to do for years. So all in all, good positive interesting stuff, weirdly memorable for a 5th pub of the day!
And the day ended as all good Simon & Daddy D. days do on the edge of East Hertfordshire, good for my train links back into London, decent for them getting home, win win ......
But my amazing powers of memory recall didn't last the pace, at this grey chunky back streeter, Castle, Bishop's Stortford (2777 / 4937). On a day of surprisingly strong pubs (our last two outings in a similar part of the world had both found a lot of drabness), I DO remember declaring this 'second best after the Woolpack' but I can only speculate as to why. There was some good chat with the barmaid I recall, perhaps a cat sighting (or little green men?), and a very good pint of something called 'Leading Lights'., which I later confidently described to a friend as one the palest haziest pithy IPA's I've drank in Christendom when in reality, it was a sessionable 3.8% brown bitter! The mind is a funny thing. It was very much a rowdy local boozer though, growling Essex accents, someone playing chess with a ghost with a cocaine habit, great stuff. Colin may've been popular too, cannot confirm!
At Tottenham Hale, as I made my way to King's Cross, the rain was coming down heavy and I needed a wee so I ask this bloke where the loos are. He just grunts and points blankly somewhere. Hated him. Had the chin of Erik Thorsvedt, the teeth of Vinny Samways and the sad eyes of David Howells.
So I walk into the pissing rain, furthest end of platform, and make it a bit wetter. Serves them right. As Vera 'Vinegar Tits' Bennett used to say in reverse on Prisoner Cell Block H, 'get treated like animals, behave like animals'.
It was sobering to an extent (Colin disagreed, see below), and by King's Cross I had my wits about me not to get lost this week, pop for a quick ESB, buy Hull City v Ipswich on a Sky Now TV pass for the journey home, and buy one of those giant sausage rolls and a bottle of Oasis.
The match was very exciting, finished 3-3 against a strong Ipswich side and really bodes well for us next season as we continue to build under the excellent Liam Rosenior ..... oh, hang on (late edit) .... 'Possible Unknown Turkish Bloke' / Michael Beal / returning Grant McCann.
Back into York on time, feeling good, thank you to the Dewhurst's for a fine day, and time to rest up for my Exeter holiday, where Simon was a student so had been able to give me the low down on the GBG pubs.
