BRAPA - THE WILTSHIRE COUNTDOWN PART 5 (MID TABLE MEDIOCRITY)

I think this next bunch would probably finish in a Watford, Preston or Norwich position if this was a Championship league table. Is that fair? Keep reading to find out as we countdown from 28 to 24.

28. Stallards, Trowbridge

Sort of reassuring, but also a bit depressing, when the pub you visit matches almost exactly what you pictured in your mind's eye. Anything a bit 'surnamey' like this, and I'm thinking wooden floor, slightly chilly and uncomfortable, a bit of a temporary 'could go under at any moment' feel to it. I'd say Stallards exceeds my expectations, even if it is by about 3.33% The barman is nice, there are two small dogs which even a #catman like me thinks are cute. Table football in the corner. And most impressively, a small fire and by gum, did this place need it on another chilly late April weekday. It didn't 'roar' but it simmered gently. And once the young arguing scroaty couple left, I was quick to scoot across to the prime seat. An old bloke keeps staring at me, and not in a nice way, or even with a 'is that a cauliflower?' curiosity. But the one ale they have on, Plain Independence, is a quality drop, and with horrid BOA on the horizon, it was a case of 'careful what you wish for'. Couldn't get a sense of Trowbridge, as this place was very close to the station. Did I miss out?

27. Tap & Brew, Swindon

And whilst we're on the subject of places that you fear may not be around once you reach that inaugural final year of ticking (circa 2043 in my case), we fast forward a few days to my Swindon-epic. 4pm opener, I am the first customer in at this Hop Kettle brewery tap, which should really have a blue plaque on account of it being the destination for RetiredMartin's final English GBG tick before he sailed over to Orkney to get the damn thing complete. He told me how lovely the staff had been here, and that I should let them know, so I went in all guns blazing, proper chatterbox. "Oooh ya can't go wrong with a best bitter!" I say after much deliberation on the ale front, the bloke agrees heartily. I've laid the foundations nicely. I take a sip at a nearby table, and I'm just about to launch into RM related chat, then all at once customer after customer enters. It is a steady, unrelenting stream, and any hopes of more chat are 'Quoshed' quicker than Greenfield #Pubman. Impressed to see the place so full only 15 minutes after opening. Nothing happens after that, the Belgian floor is nice, bitter goes down well. End.

26. Ring O' Bells, Bath

A rare, and 'accidental' foray into Somerset, home of the greatest cricket team on earth, for an unwise, unscheduled 8th and final late night tick as trains did what trains do and got cancelled and delayed. Closest to the station, it was a hectic scene within - a bright, brassy, bare sort of place, with at least the shape of a much older inn, but Otterfied over the years. Otters, boooo! Hasn't been in the GBG for yonks, long before even my last Bath visit back in 2012 when I did the majority of the 'classics'. Apparently, Bass is a regular ale, says Quinno, who rarely lies. It can only have been my drunken hazy eyes which made me miss it in favour of the Hawthorn Otter which was decent tonight. My quest for a seat is futile, so I perch uncomfortably on a ledge until something comes free. Me and this older lady called Kirsty (I think, acoustics were very tinny in here) swoop down on it at the same time so decide to share. She loves Colin. And she loves strong dry cider by the jug! She used to come here with her husband, their routine, but he died (I think, acoustics again!), so she honours his memory by keeping the tradition going. "No better pub in Bath" she tells me, well that's debateable , but good on her in this crazy late night atmosphere that she's keeping it real.

25. Southgate Inn, Devizes

Devizes provided love & justice, or redemption at least, after that horror show in Enford and Pewsey which I described in part one. Easily my favourite pub town in Wiltshire this holiday, this out of towner however left me cold, quite literally, and that's the problem with being first in at 4pm, it hasn't had enough bollocky hot air coming out of the mouths of its regulars to warm it up. There was more to it though, I'm used to my Hop Back pubs being festooned in fabulous carpets and having natural comfort, but this was a basic bare boarded affair. My first time on their Entire Stout, well what a complex drink it was! Sour one minute, like chewing a bonfire the next, rubbing coal on your earlobes, dabbing a bit of petrol in your eyes. Was it really supposed to evoke such extreme reaction on the senses? Jury is out as to the quality. The pub dog kept whimpering, and because of my earlier Enford trauma, I end up snapping at the creature to 'shut up!' Well, the poor thing looked so offended, I felt immediately guilty and had to apologise. Not one other customer arrived, the staff weren't really 'present', and it was off to find a superior Devizes GBG entry.

24. Hiding Place Micropub, Melksham

My only previous experience of Melksham was having to send an S.A.E. there to receive my festival ticket for Rebellion/Wasted/Holidays in the Sun in Blackpool/Morecambe, back in the day. Always struck me as random. The final day of my holiday when I finally make it here, on account of some mean opening hours. But I'm on top form early doors, one of those times when it really 'clicks' and my chatter is well received, I sense the staff and punters are responding to me! Good people obvs. Having said, I was exhausted and an upstairs trip to the loo reveals some softer, lower seating than the high unforgiving posing set up downstairs, so I grab my stuff and 'retire' up there, with the added benefit of being near the loo, which without going into detail, was important at this late stage. Kitchen too in case I fancied making a sandwich. But there's an elephant in the room and it smells of glue guns from the CDT class at school! It is so heady, it makes my otherwise gorgeous Stealth pale (ohhh, 'stealth', 'hiding place' just got it!) 'ride' like an 9.2% dippy DIPA. Oooof. Well, the Stealth gang see my comment once I'm back home, and reveal that there is a nail bar next door, and despite not being able to find a gap in the wall, the smell still permeates through. Ironically, as my friend Crispy commented, if they had a glue gun, they might be able to seal it off.

So there we go, five more done. I'll be back on Sunday hopefully to let you know about five more as we start to sneak into very very slightly upper mid table!

Have a good weekend, Si