BRAPA .... WILL BE TICKING IN THE STREETS OF RAITH TONIGHT (PT 1/2)

A final BRAPA appearance before his controversial loan move to Metz in France for Oscar the Owl on Saturday 5th August 2023.

Metz incidentally shares it's name with one of those trendy drinks the students used to love when I was in Sunderland circa 1997-2000. I was strictly a Lemon Hooch man. Never got on with Metz, Reef, Blue WKD, Smirnoff Ice or Bacardi Breezer. To almost quote HMHB, 'what the flip were we drinking?'

I was in the 'Kingdom of Fife', which sounds magical doesn't it? Narnia meets Hogwarts with an element of Mordor.

The reality was more Grimsby meets Redruth with a twist of Weymouth.

But a BRAPA debut county, a blank canvas, 0% ticked .... this presented a great opportunity to gain some ground on trusty Scottish train routes with minimal effort.

With the equally trusty Daddy BRAPA alongside, we exit the station and are lulled into a false sense of security as some pleasant swathes of green stretch downhill towards our first tick, the Wetherspoons, as it should be 11am on a Saturday .....

Robert Nairn, Kirkcaldy (2607 / 4502) was the perfect introduction to Kirkcaldy life. I think the same is true of almost anywhere, you want to gauge the 'energy' of a given town or city, a trip to 'Spoons is most instructive! Queuing for a 'Spoons bar seems to be endemic these days, no matter where you are in the UK. Neither of us are patient individuals, so we sit down, dead centre of the room, bring up the App, and within what seems like seconds, a Harviestoun Bitter & Twisted (a real Scottish staple) is presented to me. Beer quality is always a concern when you come to this neck of the woods, this 'Spoons is by no means a GBG regular, but I'm delighted to report this pint is 'top hole', as Daddy BRAPA would probably say. Tougher beer challenges lay ahead. Whilst I approve of the 8/10 carpet, Robert Nairn was a linoleum man, so I'd suggest this would've been a more appropriate floor type. The man to my left is necking his 5th whisky as I finish my pint, no wonder he has brought a precautionary zimmerframe for his exit. Then a young blind man walks into our chairs, apologising .... his companion has been distracted by breakfast menus. As they search for a seat, a one legged man to my right hops up and tells him he can sit there because he is leaving. Dad suggests it is time to leave before people starting drinking out of their prosthetics.

'Daddy, Daddy, give us a wave'

Down on the main shopping drag, Kirkcaldy becomes increasingly bleak. Boarded up shops, the only 'life' on show being a succession of impromptu generally toothless street 'performers', not sure how talented they were but they seemed to be having a lovely old time. Kirkcaldy Fringe? More like Kirkcaldy Minge.

Time for pub two .....

A strong contender for pub of the day, there was something quintessentially Scottish about Betty Nicols, Kirkcaldy (2608 / 4503). It put me in mind of that Paisley classic the Bull Inn. The landlady, we'll call her 'Betty' (it seems right) was fantastic, I think most of the chat centred around the pub's 'cash only' policy but it was higher octane and more humorous than it sounds, trust me. I guess you had to be there. Stunning ceiling, stained glass and tiled walls, and hopelessly Scottish wallpaper and seating, proof not all pubs need a carpet to be BRAPA winners. The Jarl is on great form, and you can't do much better than a well kept Jarl, I'm sure you, reader of high sophistication, will agree with me on that point. The pub stretches back into some darker wooden snuggy areas, and from my vantage point, I can see the fish lunches being prepared in the kitchen for the couple next to us, which gives poor Daddy B. a pang of stomach rumbling .... I'm sorry but we have to keep moving if we are to get the six ticks in. Cruel aren't I?

Kirkcaldy had done pretty well for us in the end, despite my micky taking. You can take the snob out of York, but you can't take the York out of the snob! And now it was onto another 'Ki' town with two ticks, Kinghorn, which I'd never even heard of before.

Coastal and attractive (well, as long as you are standing on top of the railway bridge and not peering into its dark recesses), we found today's third pub downhill along an unassuming side street .......

Maybe keeping my eyes closed for the duration of our miserable half hour in the Auld Hoose, Kinghorn (2609 / 4504) would have facilitated an improved experience, I fail to 'see' how this pub could darken any Good Beer Guide and can only assume the Fife 2023 pickings are particularly skinny. I'd suggest a 'Kinghorn micro revolution' but from what I witnessed, I don't think most drinkers see past that giant red 'T'. The one handpump, Old Thumper, is all but hidden from view at the far end of the bar, even harder to spot for ignorant bar blockers, so no surprise it is barely drinkable. Such a miserable pub too, at least in most Scottish boozers populated by the elderly and infirm, you get a bit of laughter and 'McBantz' but this lot, and the staff seem thoroughly depressed. Dad observes that the pub 'has a surprising lack of confidence for one so local' and that hits the nail squarely on the head. All you can really do is hope Ross County give Celtic a run for their money on one of the many giant plasmas. The gents loo is hard to find as it is called 'Corgi's Cludgie'. Oh, there was a nice window. It smells of grease (the pub, not the window). And that was that.

Join me tomorrow to find out if Kinghorn could redeem itself with its other GBG entry. We'll also take a trip to Aberdour and Dalgety Bay (Hillend), an Edinburgh revisit, and then rather randomly, drive out to Slingsby in North Yorkshire.

Thanks for reading, Si